Project Description

Image: How Much Can You Hold? 2023. Continence care product and Paverpol, 9” x 8” x 5”

 

How Much Can You Hold? is a series of material experiments developed while navigating caregiving and grief between March 2021 and December 2023. Working with the materials of care, including continence products, the series considers holding as both a physical capacity and an emotional demand. The accompanying poem gathers the language of these years: diagnoses, domestic tasks, institutional encounters, ecological anxieties, and intimate acts of care. Its repetitions register the labour of beginning again, even as exhaustion and loss accumulate.

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misdiagnosis, patronizing, surprise, denial, grief,
illness, cancer pain, sorrow, grief, misery,
urine, diarrhea, regret, psychosis, opiates,
mental health, radiation, surgery, RCMP,
paranoia, hallucinations, family

climate change, environmental destruction,
racism, sexism, misogyny, population, growth,
healthcare, crisis, no healthcare, no GP,
long wait times, staffing issues, poverty

Senokot, interstitial cystitis, empathy, sympathy,
nervous system, CT scans, MRI, ultrasound, bloodwork,
waiting room, anal probe, vagina probe,
CT scan with contrast, veins, blood, tumor,
pleomorphic sarcoma,
smaller than a basketball,
bigger than a volleyball

starvation, infection, disease pathogens,
plastic, medical supply waste, rituals of care,
emotional breakdown, loss of self, sacrifice, depression,
travel, travel for care, coursework, costs, money,
housing and desperation, despair and confusion,
shell shock, memory loss

pollution, extinction, colonialism, clean water,
incontinence, fecal incontinence, examinations,
probing, needles, cutting, slicing, bandages,
wound care, pieces, samples, antibiotics, anti-nausea,
bandages, gauze, saline solutions

hot water, tank, dishwasher, microwave,
heat, wave heat, heat dome,
confusion, anger, hostility, noncompliance,
teaching hospital, studies, misunderstandings,
immaturity, greed, self hate, Google self diagnosis,
long wait times, MFA defense, Lifelabs, urgent care, emergency

BC healthcare, dementia?, MOCA test,
nurses, doctors, bathing, hygiene, bedwetting, accidents,
clothing, weight, loss, mobility, bills, legal services,
ambulance, care workers, scheduling, doctors appointments,
VIHA, missed phone calls, frustration

meal planning, allergies, medications, prescriptions, forms,
blister packs, to do lists, broken equipment, computer failure,
gas prices, long distances to healthcare and affordability,
guidance, recovery risks, dates for surgery,
plastic surgeon, thoracic surgeon, sarcoma plan

Plan A,
Plan B you lose your ribs

X-ray lungs, bedridden, nursing required,
destroying tentacles, radiation, cancer, patient package,
last wishes and planning, eyedrops, medically assisted dying,
numbness, circulation issues, suicide plan,
dealing with practical issues

administration, phone calls, speaker phone, elevator music,
COVID-19 lockdowns, vaccination pass to access BC Cancer,
vaccination pass for visitation, surgeon, age, old age,
children, 811, existing personality, voiding, cheques, skin,
bathed skin after radiation

dexamethasone, sore muscles, small nodules, microscopic,
necrosis, staples, pre-op, praying for no cancellation,
praying, crying, CBD oil, mood levels, untethered,
loss of motivation, low sodium, memory, loss,
anaesthetic, walker, bench for shower, hydrocortisone,
ear cleaning, nail cutting, sores, weight loss, shower accessibility

UTI, UTI, UTI, UTI,
UTI never ends

seeing demons, 911, toilet height, bladder pain,
lack of strength, GP quits moved to Alberta,
geriatric nurse, gynaecologist, oncologist, urologist,
terrified, terror, dressing change, better meals, soup making,
discharged, Covid-19 patients in room,
catch Covid-19 recovering from stroke in hospital,
passing through Covid unit

invega sustena, respite, lifeline, caregiver burnout,
case manager, neuropathic pain,
dressing change leaking no laxatives, Pharmasave care,
plan, diverticulitis disease, PES unit,
hospitals need funding, community care

landfill, incinerator, cradle to grave, plastic waste,
toys, pets, wildlife, booster packs, medication times, PTSD,
staff shortages, new staff every day on hospital floor,
re-telling medical history 1000 times,
GPS tag, crisis line, crisis team, psychiatry, ambulatory

contested spaces, shared spaces, pets, wildlife, trees,
zoning, bylaws, variances, setbacks, greed, profit, lobbyists,
lost opportunities, mistakes, regret, big city, small town,
stress, crime, resources, stretched resources,
different perspectives, different abilities, sickness,
career on hold, deaths

so many ambulances, paramedics,
dying can’t ride a bike

discharge plan, coaches, functional,
so many hospital bracelets, diapers on sale,
no prolapse, amitriptyline, nortryptaline, bowel health,
Cipro Floxin, fosfomycin, amox-clav,
32 antibiotics in 30 months

abscess, cephalexin, lidocaine, family conflict, emotional suppression,
broken hip left, broken hip right, physio, stage 2 bedsore,
walker, wheelchairs, foam cushions, ROHO, occupational therapy,
discharge date, pulmonary embolism, exhaustion, loss of humour,
no phone call

death, dead body, funeral home,
ashes, urn, transport

VIHA home care, 38 care workers,
24 hour nursing care at home, 3am exit attempts, delusions,
mourning, grief, falling down stairs, stitches, bruises,
more ambulances, ambulance fees,
public wait list for long term care, private care alternative costs,
dietician, nutrition, re-traumatized, repeating story,
pleading, crying, begging

falls, hematoma, hip X-ray, CT scan for head,
graphic instructions for how to use toilet,
new doctor, wrong diagnosis,
again, pain, new treatment,
start from beginning,
new tests same as old tests

ER waits, health care crisis,
carrying, wheeling, lifting, feeding, washing, bathing, toileting,
public service announcements in ER by staff,
don’t believe Adrian Dix in the news, getting worse,
burnout, unions, workplace injuries,
Patient Care Complaint Form, bedpans,
last time toileting

if the peas don’t get you the carrots will

barium throat X-ray, choking, aspirated pneumonia,
mushy carrots, spray mouth with water, vaseline, mouth swabs,
mobility device, overhead lift and blue swing,
pull oxygen, pull IV antibiotics, actively dying,
30% lung capacity

dying well,
doing a good job dying,
feels like chaos,
please calm down

because how much can you hold?